Graduation: or what I like to call GAME of LOANS

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As I sat, mid-auditorium, listening to UAL Chancellor Grayson Perry‘s “inspirational” speech about how lucky all us creative graduates are and other nonsense, all I could think about was the sheer amount of graduates surrounding me. 500 of us, dowsed in ceremonial black and pink and emotional nostalgia, all simultaneously being chucked into the deep end of an ocean of debt. Imagine.

I loathe nostalgia. Nostalgia looks at a high-res video of Central Saint Martins’ too-clean concrete campus set to cheesy stock music and gasps, ‘awwwww.’ Nostalgia clutches your heartstrings and wears rose-coloured glasses. Nostalgia also grossly overlooks the fact that this crowded madness of a year is only one of six ceremonies within University of the Arts London, which is one of thousands of arts universities around the world; and this amount of diploma-handing happens every year. Nostalgia forgets.

But flippance, on the other hand, that’s what I’m talking about. Flippance with a bit of pizzazz. Flippance remembers. It downs a double gin-and-tonic just before finding its seat, almost pees itself and cackles loudly about the psychological warfare its been put through. Flippance sees the £30,000+ fine over everyone’s heads and crafts a very special warning to an oversaturated creative market:

THE GRADS ARE COMING!!!

Beware of the Game of Loans… for it’s gonna be a big class this year.

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Inspired by Game of Thrones, obviously.

Giving you what you don’t know you want yet!

Hello everyone, to all my fervently admiring fans out there, I am back at last!

After some miserable decades rolling in my grave at the thought of white, white, white MINIMALISM overtaking the fashion world…. of foolish SUPERFICIALITY Trumping* hard-hitting stories… and of STERILE, politically correct pragmatism overriding any semblance of HOPE or DREAMS in our lives… I’ve finally returned to once again dominate as THE Fashion Editor.

Now with THE Fashion Magazine of the moment, Yanker, of course. Stay tuned for some sorely-needed glamour, fantasy and triumphant satire. I’m a reporter, for Christ’s sake – I know news when I see it. And I am most definitely not here to please the bourgeoisie of Internet Land. This is fashion we’re talking about: please get with it! And never forget to ask yourself—

#WhatWouldVreelandDo?

*Yes, this is a reference to Donald Trump.